6 weeks (or about two posts) ago, I wrote about my personal, scary medical ordeal. Basically, out of nowhere, a complex cyst about an inch in diameter appeared on my insides. You can find out more about what a complex cyst is here. I went to my OBGYN and her treatment recommendations were to put me on birth control pills (that personally make me fat and feel terrible) and giving me vicodin to deal with the pain. I said "no, thank you" to both and chose instead to seek alternative treatments. I went to 4 acupuncture sessions, the Dr. there also gave me Chinese herbs to take. Shortly before the complex cyst was discovered, Paul and I also adopted a cleaner, plant-based diet. You can find out more about the benefits of a vegan, plant-based diet here. We've been pretty good. Okay, if I'm being honest, I had an In n Out grilled cheese yesterday....and maybe some pizza (I had food hangover this morning). Although my doctor tried to convince me that acupuncture and diet would not solve my problem, I chose to try those methods over narcotics or synthetic hormones. Today I went to my 6 week follow up appointment and the doctor was pleasantly surprised to tell me that the complex cyst has completely disappeared. Apparently, sometimes the body will just "reabsorb" foreign tissue, but I am positive that acupuncture and cleaner eating are to thank for my body repairing itself.
I know that there are some illnesses that require drastic medical measures, but I urge anyone who is facing a health issue to try to fix the problem with natural solutions before they take harmful drugs. I am so glad that I didn't press for surgery or take the prescriptions that were offered to me.
I use to believe 100% in western medicine and it's powerful drugs, but now I am truly a believer of alternative medicine.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Most Embarrassed I Have Ever Been aka The Worst Thing Paul Has Ever Done aka The Time I Almost Murdered My Husband aka The Thing That Happened and Made Me Feel Stuff aka Why Marriage is the Best and Worst Decision I Have Made
When Paul and I decided to get married, we read 2 or 3 books together on preparing for the ups and downs of marriage. Financial woes, losing family members, disagreements on how to raise children, disagreements on every conceivable thing....or so I thought. No amount of praying or bible study or literature could have prepared me for most of the bumps in the road, including but not limited to....
THE MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF MY LIFE (probably).
Anyone who has ever lived with me or camped with me or just known me long enough knows I’m pretty comfortable with my body. I’m also a fairly modest dresser. Minus the occasional deep v-neck or low cut shirt, I don’t show a lot of skin or try to attract attention to my body. I know I’m not perfect and I have thick parts and untoned parts and could-be-bigger parts...but I am comfortable with what I have around people I’m close to. I can vividly remember my mom having to have a talk with me during the summer between 3rd and 4th grade because I liked walking around the house naked as the day I was born and she didn’t feel like I was young enough for it to be okay anymore. Basically, being naked in itself is not a horrible thing to me.
I’m not really sure how to say this.... I have no problems with other naked people, naked drawings or paintings (I seriously paint or draw naked women more than anything except trees), naked art in general. As an art major, I have to take an entire course on human anatomy where I’ll be working with nude models, and I look forward to it. I personally feel that photos test a boundary because the line between something being artistic and something being pornographic is microscopically thin. And I also think a nude photo is something that both the subject and receiver should be prepared for and consenting of. You can’t “un-see” something you didn’t want to. As comfortable with myself as I am, I do not want a naked picture of me (on a mediocre iPhone camera, nonetheless) floating around somewhere.
Several weeks ago, I had been changing in our room and, in no rush to reclothe myself, was talking to Paul. The lamp in our room was at an angle that made my entire silhouette stretch across the wall in a way that was pretty neat. Paul picks up his iPhone and tells me, “Let me take a picture of it (the shadow).” I say, “Fine, but JUST the shadow.” Since Paul is a male and also an enjoyer of pranks in general, he decided to take the picture of JUST me, not a trace of silhouette whatsoever. It should also be noted here that I had recently purchased the phone for Paul as a Valentine’s Day gift and he was still getting used to the settings on it. Some evil idiot at Apple decided that it would be great to make a feature on the iPhone that automatically uploads a picture from your phone to Google +. Worst. Feature. Ever. I spent the next 5 minutes having what I am now positive was some sort of stroke or mild heart attack that has taken at least 3 years off of my life. Paul ensured me that the photo was deleted not only from the Internet, but also from his phone. We spent a good chunk of the evening discussing why taking nude photos on our phones (even as an innocent joke) was a horrible idea. Someone could find the phone and see it, a friend or family member could be curious about the phone and start to play around with it and see it, etc... So many ways for that seemingly innocent fun to go horribly wrong.
So that happened and was terrible and scary....but that is not even the worst thing that happened with that picture.
This is where Paul becomes Clark Griswold and I become Ben Stiller in “Meet the Parents”....
We had (Paul’s) family visiting. Some went snowboarding, some went to the zoo. Paul was one who went to the mountains. When everyone reunited in the evening, Paul decided that it would be a great idea to hook his iPhone up to the giant (in my head now, that television is the size of the side of a house) 60ish” tv. My genius, engineer, computer whisperer husband (who swears he deleted the naked picture) did NOT delete it. Not only did he not delete it, but now he has broadcast it on a large screen in front of all immediate family.
I went into what I now understand to be shock. I don’t remember anything from the time it happened until I walked out of the house. I just know that I somehow grabbed my purse and keys and left. I know that I texted my best friends, I drove and met Ally in Orange (I don't remember that drive at all) and decided I was going home with her to Long Beach. I know I went to BevMo and spent $35 on alcohol because I have a receipt. I know I slept at Ally’s. I know she made me delicious stew. No conversational details. No time frames. I remember thinking frantically, bargaining with myself, God and the devil: “If I just die as I’m driving up to Long Beach, I won’t have to deal with this. If Paul and I get divorced and I move to a different country, I will never have to talk or think about this.” (I wasn’t seriously considering a divorce, btw, that was just the trainwreck of thoughts as my judgment derailed). Even though this happened earlier this week, it is all one, big humiliating blur. Sometime around Tuesday it all hit me and I almost started crying out of embarrassment for myself and anger for my darling, dead-man husband.
Paul tried to ask what he could do to make things better.
"No one will ever talk about it, I promise." He said.
"That's so awkward, that's worse than talking about it!"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No! Talking about it is the worst. EVERY SCENARIO IS THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. Every option is equally the worst."
Paul tried to ask what he could do to make things better.
"No one will ever talk about it, I promise." He said.
"That's so awkward, that's worse than talking about it!"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No! Talking about it is the worst. EVERY SCENARIO IS THE WORST CASE SCENARIO. Every option is equally the worst."
I have a sort of goal for myself that no matter how angry I get, I will never stay the night away because I am upset. We’ve been married for 20 months, and there have been a couple nights where someone has slept on the couch (married people fight, the first year is the hardest - engaged or wanting to get married couples, seriously, do not take these facts lightly. I can not stress enough how much you need to consider that the person you want to marry is going to make you lose your shit all the time.), but no one has ever left and not come home. This week I broke my own goal/rule. I am not proud of it, but it felt necessary to cool down before I attempted to communicate. Usually when I get really upset with him, I picture one of us suddenly dying and what I would want our last words/interaction to be. For the first time ever, that did not do anything for me. I could not speak to Paul, I could not look at him, I could not bring myself to physically be under the same roof as him, I literally felt sick to my stomach every time I thought about confronting him. In the last 8 years that we have been in each other’s lives, this is hands down the WORST thing he has ever done. I know it could be worse, he could empty our bank accounts in Vegas, he could be unfaithful, he could be a bad person in general. But to me, LITERALLY exposing me in front of people I’m not nudity-level comfortable with AND that I have to see and have a relationship with for the rest of my life....that. Was. The. Worst.
Since my traumatized state left me seeking answers from peers (Paul seemed surprised that I talked to so many people right away, but I can guarantee you that the conversations I was having in my head were much more embarrassing than the ones I had aloud with other people), I spent a lot of time asking people what the hell I was supposed to do now, how I was supposed to act, will someone please Kevorkian me. I love my friends to pieces, and I got some amazing answers from them...
Some people shared equally humiliating stories with me, and I can not thank them enough for convincing me you really do make it through it without dying of self-induced spontaneous combustion.
"That's it? A nude photo? That's not so bad." It's pretty bad.
"That's it? A nude photo? That's not so bad." It's pretty bad.
“Well at least you’re hot.” Was said several times. Hot does not equal not completely mortified though.
“What were you doing? You were just standing there? Oh, that’s good you could have been doing something really bad. Or in the act of...” Hahahaha... Why are you even messing with your phones or cameras in the act of anything?
My friend Mark changed my contact name in his phone which made me laugh for the first time since the incident.
And several people pointed out that I’m lucky to have a husband who loves me and my body and might have possibly fibbed about deleting a photo of it just so he could keep it. (That most definitely does not get him off the hook, but it’s strangely sweet to think about)
I've tried my best to have a sense of humor about this, because let's face it - that's my only option at this point. Ironically, this whole ordeal happened over my spring break, which makes me feel like some sort of unwilling Girl Gone Wild (or Girl with Low Self-Esteem for any AD fans out there). I decided as reparations that I am getting a new Disneyland annual passport. I think it's what Walt would have done...? I don't know what my reasoning is except I need to go somewhere and have fun.
I mostly felt like this all week:
This week I lost 3 pounds, I’m calling it “The Shame Diet”. It took me 2 and a half days to not want to murder my husband. I never thought “this is it, I’m never coming home, we’re through”. We are married, I took the til death part to heart. We promised through good times and bad, and now I’m starting to see just how broad that statement is. And this morning as I snuck back through our door, crawled into our bed around 5 and felt a large, freckled arm drape over me, I could sense the frustration and anger and resentment start to leave my body and I realized that I had started to miss him more than I was angry at him.
This week I lost 3 pounds, I’m calling it “The Shame Diet”. It took me 2 and a half days to not want to murder my husband. I never thought “this is it, I’m never coming home, we’re through”. We are married, I took the til death part to heart. We promised through good times and bad, and now I’m starting to see just how broad that statement is. And this morning as I snuck back through our door, crawled into our bed around 5 and felt a large, freckled arm drape over me, I could sense the frustration and anger and resentment start to leave my body and I realized that I had started to miss him more than I was angry at him.
Two morals of this story:
-Do not take nude pictures unless you are totally fine with every person in the present and future seeing them. Even as a joke. Even ones you will secretly keep because you fancy someone. Accidents and mistakes happen and then next thing you know you’re sitting in your in-laws kitchen one day while your business is displayed on a 60” flat screen and you're wondering how you can will your heart to stop beating or disappear or explode or instantly drop dead.
-The weirdest shit will happen to you and your spouse. Problems you couldn’t imagine. Ones that no one can control, ones that are 100% preventable. Make sure you marry someone you’re willing to put up with. Make sure their bullshit is outweighed by their awesomeness.
I love you, P. Stew. Even when you monumentally mess up. To the moon and back.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Overdue.
I know, I know. I have been plain ol' horrible about updating AccountabiliBlog the last month! My last post was January 8th. School started January 9th, so I guess I've been pretty busy the last 6-ish weeks. I'm delighted and proud to say that I am doing a remarkable job with my resolutions. With the exception of.... (I will give you three guesses)..... working out regularly. I don't know what it is! I'll have a good week and get up and do yoga or regularly jog, and then the next three weeks I'll maybe work out twice. I'm usually so good at getting into a routine, but when it comes to exercise, I just can't seem to find my rhythm yet.
Here is a summary of how things have been going:
Weight - Still haven't lost any more than the original 3-4 pounds from January, but also haven't gained any back.
Bags - Completely assimilated to carrying only reusable bags. We are almost through our drawer full of plastic bags too. It feels great. Paul makes fun of the really pretentious bag I bought that says something like, "Paper or Plastic? Neither!" I just think the design is cute. I'm not a smug asshole about it, I haven't even moved to Prius-level neo-hippieism yet.
Being a Good Partner - I think I'm doing amazing. I haven't had a psych-ward-worthy meltdown in months. I'm calm. I'm sweet. I'm patient....well, more patient. And it's not just because life is getting easier either, because there have been some serious effing curve balls thrown at us this month.
Creating Every Day - Obviously, taking on a full load at school means that some days every thing I create is also for a course; however! there are many days that I create for me, for fun, for love, etc... January was a lot of sketching and colored pencils, I've found that February projects have been a little bigger, more water color and hot glue. Surprisingly not too much glitter (yet).
Setting Aside Time/Money for Me - Not that there's been an abundance of free time, but I have made some and put aside resources for things that made my life more fun or easier. Did a limo night in West Hollywood, a weekend in Big Bear, took Alex up to LA/Hollywood to play around just because, bought myself a new laptop that is making studying/lectures/schlepping electronics around SO much easier, been on a few much needed dates with the man .... like I said, not too crazy, but it feels good to go do things I enjoy and be around people I love.
Getting Pregnant - I guess considering how busy I am I shouldn't be too discouraged with setbacks in this area (seriously, when am I going to have a baby? If I got pregnant NOW I'd be due some time around Thanksgiving and would be out for Fall semester and nursing a baby all of Spring semester (I am picturing myself literally breastfeeding an infant during a lecture right now)...how would that work? I don't know), but I still convince myself that I can do and have it all and any bump on this road is unacceptable. Back in January I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms and feeling weird in general and it turns out I was having symptoms, but not because I was actually knocked up. I've had ovarian cysts probably my whole post-puberty life. They're not that big of a deal unless one ruptures and then you want to die for a day or so, but even when that's over you're fine. The ones I'm used to are called "simple cysts". Apparently, in the past few months I've also developed a "complex cyst" which is not as easy to ignore. This bad boy is about an inch in diameter, inside my left ovary, is vascular and also bleeding into my abdominal cavity causing almost constant discomfort and being a real bitch. The nature and location of this SOB are also mimicking pregnancy symptoms (lucky me!). I have a family history of ovarian cancer so it was frightening to learn I had an even greater chance now (1 in 5) of having a cancerous growth. The doctors are taking a "wait and see" approach and want to reassess size/pain in 4 weeks, which I find annoying. Basically, they offer me BC pills to possibly shrink the cyst (though sometimes it can make it worse) or they offer a hardcore prescription pain pill to take whenever I'm in pain. Which is almost every day. I'm not at all into the idea of taking a narcotic every day, I have shit to take care of, I can't just be doped up indefinitely. Plus, this stupid thing could actually be stopping me from becoming pregnant, so I want it gone all the more. Although there's nothing I can really do about a doctor not wanting to operate (take it out or I will!), I decided I wasn't going to fall for the all too often "solution" of throwing pills at a problem while I wait. I've been going to acupuncture once a week for the pain and discomfort associated with this and it seems to really be helping. My acupuncturist is convinced that with herbs and treatment she can actually make the cysts (even the scary one) shrink, but right now I don't want to put hope into anything. As long as she's relieving the pain, I'm happy, and if she actually makes them go away - that's awesome too.
Not that it's impossible to still get pregnant right now, but based on all the new bullshit, I'm just focusing on getting over this hump first. Good times....
Getting a 3.5+ - Right now (6 weeks into school) I have all As. Which isn't hard. I actually have a 145% in one class because of extra credit. Now to see if I can keep them at As for 3 more months...
I guess that's all the important updates. I really will try to be better about updating and not wait another 5-6 weeks.
xoxo
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Juggling Act Ensues
Disclaimer: I might talk a bit about the birds and the bees in this post, so if sex is a topic that makes you uncomfortable (or at least me talking about sex) then this is your warning to stop.
I had been posting everyday (sometimes several times a day) since the 1st and up until Wednesday and it's now Sunday. The good news is that I've been so busy doing everything that I'm supposed to that there really wasn't time to sit down and write a proper post. The bad news is that I also have a touch of a cold or flu or pregnancy symptoms (not really, I'll get into that in a bit) and so I've been crashing earlier than usual, therefor sleeping during my late-night blog time. In case you needed a visual aide:
Here's a review of the last half of the week in regards to resolutions.
-Completely stop using plastic and paper bags.
Success! Even Alex is getting into it and helping me remember our reusable bags.
-Work out for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week.
Well, I did work out for 45 minutes one day. I took my running clothes to work with me on Wednesday so that I could run around the lake afterwards, but when it came down to it...I just wanted to go home and hang out with Paul and Alex. I thought I could shake off this flu/cold/hysterical pregnancy in a day or two, but I still feel like major crap. Regardless of the insane amounts of liquid spewing from my nose, Paul's job tonight is to make me go workout for an hour to make up for the fact that I didn't work out 30mins/2 days.
-Be more patient, calm, understanding of mistakes as a wife aka Operation Simmer the F*** Down, Abby
I just asked Paul if I had done better in this area over the last week. His response was, "you've been....good." So I guess there's still room for improvement there. I'll improve his- WAIT WAIT WAIT, calming, patience, sweetness. Ommmmm.
-Create something each day.
This one has been the easiest! The girl with fox ears went from a sketch, to a painting to the trash. But over the few days I worked on it, I really enjoyed it. Til I hated it. And threw it away.
I also did a really weird sketch in the parking lot at school while I waited:
And this is what my living room looked like this morning. I did 4 separate water color paintings.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
Though I didn't buy anything fun or interesting, I DID rearrange the entire living room/dining room. It's a start. Big shout out to my husband for moving all the heavy stuff from corner to corner til I thought it felt right. He's a saint!
-Lose 10 vanity pounds.
Don't ask me how, because I honestly don't know. The scale (which is very reliable and never lies to me even when I beg it to) says I've lost 3.5 pounds? I worked out once. I've been sick, but I haven't missed any meals. I even weighed myself 2 days in a row at different times and it still says I lost 3.5 lbs. I'll take it....but I still don't trust it...
-Get pregnant.
I don't know if I am. I miss the blissful ignorance when I didn't know about all of the websites and forums on how to get pregnant. Back then (way back like 2 months ago ha), all I knew was when we should have sex if we wanted to get pregnant or should not have sex if we didn't want to. That's all it took, the actual act, right? Well, now the internet has made me feel ...crazy... and like I'm doing it all wrong. There are forums FULL of women who take different herbs on different days and track their temperature and take ovulation tests and do headstands post-coitus.... It kinda puts a lot of pressure on someone who just wants to make a baby the old-fashion, stress-free way and have sex with their partner. I know, the only person who is putting stress and pressure on me IS me, and I need to somehow block my phone and laptop from being able to read these things. Which brings me to my next point: when you have babies on the brain, you mistake a lot of things for pregnancy symptoms. And the internet doesn't help any there either! I searched for "runny nose, temp 99.3, sore boobs" to see if there was any crazy flu out there that I need to watch out for and the whole first page of results was from baby-making forums. I realize writing all of this kind of makes me sound like a stupid, baby-crazy idiot....but after I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way and needs to hear that they're not the only one. Underneath it all, I know I'll get pregnant when/if I'm supposed to and I need to remember that life is really hard sometimes and bringing someone else into this world where they'll have their own amazing, fun, sad, trying, exciting, heartbreaking, beautiful experience is a really. big. deal.
To end on a not-so-heavy and cuter note....
Thursday was a long day. Feeling totally under the weather; I took Alex to school, worked, went to the bank picked Alex up, she lost her phone so we retraced her footsteps through the campus (didn't find it until the next day), went to Target to get her school supplies for the next quarter, went to the grocery store, came home and reviewed all her grades/assignments online, made dinner...and by that point, I was DONE. I went and took a bath then got in bed without even eating the dinner that I made (I guess I did skip one meal this week then, but not 3.5 lbs worth!). When I woke up on Friday, Paul had already taken Alex to school for me and let me sleep in and this note was on the table:
I had been posting everyday (sometimes several times a day) since the 1st and up until Wednesday and it's now Sunday. The good news is that I've been so busy doing everything that I'm supposed to that there really wasn't time to sit down and write a proper post. The bad news is that I also have a touch of a cold or flu or pregnancy symptoms (not really, I'll get into that in a bit) and so I've been crashing earlier than usual, therefor sleeping during my late-night blog time. In case you needed a visual aide:
Here's a review of the last half of the week in regards to resolutions.
-Completely stop using plastic and paper bags.
Success! Even Alex is getting into it and helping me remember our reusable bags.
-Work out for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week.
Well, I did work out for 45 minutes one day. I took my running clothes to work with me on Wednesday so that I could run around the lake afterwards, but when it came down to it...I just wanted to go home and hang out with Paul and Alex. I thought I could shake off this flu/cold/hysterical pregnancy in a day or two, but I still feel like major crap. Regardless of the insane amounts of liquid spewing from my nose, Paul's job tonight is to make me go workout for an hour to make up for the fact that I didn't work out 30mins/2 days.
-Be more patient, calm, understanding of mistakes as a wife aka Operation Simmer the F*** Down, Abby
I just asked Paul if I had done better in this area over the last week. His response was, "you've been....good." So I guess there's still room for improvement there. I'll improve his- WAIT WAIT WAIT, calming, patience, sweetness. Ommmmm.
-Create something each day.
This one has been the easiest! The girl with fox ears went from a sketch, to a painting to the trash. But over the few days I worked on it, I really enjoyed it. Til I hated it. And threw it away.
I also did a really weird sketch in the parking lot at school while I waited:
And this is what my living room looked like this morning. I did 4 separate water color paintings.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
Though I didn't buy anything fun or interesting, I DID rearrange the entire living room/dining room. It's a start. Big shout out to my husband for moving all the heavy stuff from corner to corner til I thought it felt right. He's a saint!
-Lose 10 vanity pounds.
Don't ask me how, because I honestly don't know. The scale (which is very reliable and never lies to me even when I beg it to) says I've lost 3.5 pounds? I worked out once. I've been sick, but I haven't missed any meals. I even weighed myself 2 days in a row at different times and it still says I lost 3.5 lbs. I'll take it....but I still don't trust it...
-Get pregnant.
I don't know if I am. I miss the blissful ignorance when I didn't know about all of the websites and forums on how to get pregnant. Back then (way back like 2 months ago ha), all I knew was when we should have sex if we wanted to get pregnant or should not have sex if we didn't want to. That's all it took, the actual act, right? Well, now the internet has made me feel ...crazy... and like I'm doing it all wrong. There are forums FULL of women who take different herbs on different days and track their temperature and take ovulation tests and do headstands post-coitus.... It kinda puts a lot of pressure on someone who just wants to make a baby the old-fashion, stress-free way and have sex with their partner. I know, the only person who is putting stress and pressure on me IS me, and I need to somehow block my phone and laptop from being able to read these things. Which brings me to my next point: when you have babies on the brain, you mistake a lot of things for pregnancy symptoms. And the internet doesn't help any there either! I searched for "runny nose, temp 99.3, sore boobs" to see if there was any crazy flu out there that I need to watch out for and the whole first page of results was from baby-making forums. I realize writing all of this kind of makes me sound like a stupid, baby-crazy idiot....but after I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way and needs to hear that they're not the only one. Underneath it all, I know I'll get pregnant when/if I'm supposed to and I need to remember that life is really hard sometimes and bringing someone else into this world where they'll have their own amazing, fun, sad, trying, exciting, heartbreaking, beautiful experience is a really. big. deal.
To end on a not-so-heavy and cuter note....
Thursday was a long day. Feeling totally under the weather; I took Alex to school, worked, went to the bank picked Alex up, she lost her phone so we retraced her footsteps through the campus (didn't find it until the next day), went to Target to get her school supplies for the next quarter, went to the grocery store, came home and reviewed all her grades/assignments online, made dinner...and by that point, I was DONE. I went and took a bath then got in bed without even eating the dinner that I made (I guess I did skip one meal this week then, but not 3.5 lbs worth!). When I woke up on Friday, Paul had already taken Alex to school for me and let me sleep in and this note was on the table:
The best thank-you's are the ones that catch me completely by surprise. Somedays it feels like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off and nobody really notices just how much work goes into making our house function....then one of them will make something like this and remind me why I love them so much. Origami hearts with a couple nice words on it? Absolutely perfect. <3
PS- Spring '12 semester starts for me tomorrow. Hoping to kick some ass.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A Productive Day
Today was amazing.
First, I did something that falls under the "Be more of myself" category. And not everything pertaining to that resolution is about setting aside money to go have fun and enjoy myself. Example.... As soon as I woke up this morning, I went online and applied to be a volunteer at Children's Hospital of Orange (or, CHOC). I really wanted to apply to be an infant cuddler (which is exactly what it sounds like), but right now they don't have a need for them. They do need some playroom volunteers though which appears to be even more fun, albeit less cuddly. CHOC only accepts applications on the first Wednesday of every month and it seems like the application process is very selective; which I completely understand, these are people's kids! And, most likely, kids in a more delicate state than usual. I'm hoping that given my background working with youngins I will get accepted and can start as soon as possible. Working with children is something that I really miss and used to be such a huge part of my life. Even though I can't return to nannying with my current schedule of chaos, the 4 hours a week they are asking of volunteers at the hospital seems very doable.
Also - more on the superficial side, I got my bangs back today. Paul hates my bangs and say they make me look "like a sheepdog", but I love them and find 'em incredibly cute.
My creation of the day is going to be a work in progress. It's a girl. With fox ears. And there's some implied boobage (I CAN'T HELP MYSELF).
Other than all that, I went to school to get my books for Spring semester and got refunded the $$ that the school owed me. I only had to threaten their lives twice! Then I worked for 6 hours. It may not sound like a lot. But it's enough to make me esssleepy right now.
Good night, Moon.
First, I did something that falls under the "Be more of myself" category. And not everything pertaining to that resolution is about setting aside money to go have fun and enjoy myself. Example.... As soon as I woke up this morning, I went online and applied to be a volunteer at Children's Hospital of Orange (or, CHOC). I really wanted to apply to be an infant cuddler (which is exactly what it sounds like), but right now they don't have a need for them. They do need some playroom volunteers though which appears to be even more fun, albeit less cuddly. CHOC only accepts applications on the first Wednesday of every month and it seems like the application process is very selective; which I completely understand, these are people's kids! And, most likely, kids in a more delicate state than usual. I'm hoping that given my background working with youngins I will get accepted and can start as soon as possible. Working with children is something that I really miss and used to be such a huge part of my life. Even though I can't return to nannying with my current schedule of chaos, the 4 hours a week they are asking of volunteers at the hospital seems very doable.
Also - more on the superficial side, I got my bangs back today. Paul hates my bangs and say they make me look "like a sheepdog", but I love them and find 'em incredibly cute.
My creation of the day is going to be a work in progress. It's a girl. With fox ears. And there's some implied boobage (I CAN'T HELP MYSELF).
Other than all that, I went to school to get my books for Spring semester and got refunded the $$ that the school owed me. I only had to threaten their lives twice! Then I worked for 6 hours. It may not sound like a lot. But it's enough to make me esssleepy right now.
Good night, Moon.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
[Create] January 3rd
No boobs. Not a tree. BAM!
Also, I ran/walk 2.5 miles before dinner. Feeling like not-a-failure.
Also, I ran/walk 2.5 miles before dinner. Feeling like not-a-failure.
I Said Yesterday Was Day 3, But This is Day 3. Right? Also - Resolutions I Totally Forgot to Add!
So big shocker here; I didn't wake up at 530 this morning. I tried, people- I REALLY did. But the bed was so warm and I was so..... asleep. It doesn't help that I stayed up til after midnight last night (getting a new, healthy routine is hard, yo!) Debating working out now (Paul won't be home for another hour) or after I make dinner.
OH!!!!
I forgot about 2 other resolutions that I meant to write down on Sunday.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
When I was in high school I covered my walls with pictures and magazine pages for the sake of covering as much space as possible. Now that I'm not 15 anymore, I'm much more picky about what I choose to put up. Ironically, I did have Christmas lights up in the living room for an entire year, but those have come down now. Our bedroom is literally just a bed, 2 nightstands and a pile of books. I say "pile" because I thought I was happy with our $10 garage sale bookcase, but I wasn't so now the books are just stacked up along the wall. My lack of desire to decorate is partly because the Stewarts are on a tight budget right now and partly because I need to get my ass more motivated to go out and find cool stuff. Courtney, make me go to the flea market on Sunday. Is that the right "flea" to use? Or is it "flee"? I've stared at them so long that neither of them even look like real words anymore.
-Dance in a Flash Mob.
I'm for cereal here. I have a Flash Mob fantasy. Actually, my fantasy is to choreograph a Flash Mob to a very specific song and do it with all my friends. Marisa? Choreograph? If I have to do it, it's going to be a lot of Roger Rabbit-ing.
Okay, I've decided that I should go work out now before Paul gets home from work. Stay tuned for my creation of the day. I made a promise that it won't be boobs or shitty trees. I will do my best to keep that promise...but doesn't a shitty tree with boobs sound like your favorite painting of all time!?!
OH!!!!
I forgot about 2 other resolutions that I meant to write down on Sunday.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
When I was in high school I covered my walls with pictures and magazine pages for the sake of covering as much space as possible. Now that I'm not 15 anymore, I'm much more picky about what I choose to put up. Ironically, I did have Christmas lights up in the living room for an entire year, but those have come down now. Our bedroom is literally just a bed, 2 nightstands and a pile of books. I say "pile" because I thought I was happy with our $10 garage sale bookcase, but I wasn't so now the books are just stacked up along the wall. My lack of desire to decorate is partly because the Stewarts are on a tight budget right now and partly because I need to get my ass more motivated to go out and find cool stuff. Courtney, make me go to the flea market on Sunday. Is that the right "flea" to use? Or is it "flee"? I've stared at them so long that neither of them even look like real words anymore.
-Dance in a Flash Mob.
I'm for cereal here. I have a Flash Mob fantasy. Actually, my fantasy is to choreograph a Flash Mob to a very specific song and do it with all my friends. Marisa? Choreograph? If I have to do it, it's going to be a lot of Roger Rabbit-ing.
Okay, I've decided that I should go work out now before Paul gets home from work. Stay tuned for my creation of the day. I made a promise that it won't be boobs or shitty trees. I will do my best to keep that promise...but doesn't a shitty tree with boobs sound like your favorite painting of all time!?!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Three Days In
Today I fulfilled both my reusable bag and create resolutions.
This morning, Paul and I decided to have FKB (Fat Kid Breakfast). Paul has a gluten allergy (we're 95% sure, but homeboy won't suck it up and go to the doctor) and wanted breakfast burritos so I decided to make tortillas from scratch.
Recipe:
1 1/4 Amaranth flour
1/2 cup water
1 tsp mexican seasoning
I'm not sure what "Mexican seasoning" is so I just used taco seasoning and it seemed to work fine. I made a dough from the ingredients, very easy. Rolling the dough Into tortillas was harder than I thought it should be. Even with my counter, hands and the roller covered in flour, the dough STILL wanted to stick to everything it touched. The tortillas tasted great after I cooked them on the stovetop, but they definitely needed to be thinner because the inside still seemed doughy to me.
Later on we went to Whole Foods and I remembered all my canvas bags. I feel such a undeserved sense of accomplishment for this!
Now I'm painting in the living room while Paul watches South Park. It's kind of a shitty tree. More like the watercolor equivalent of a doodle while I zone out. Still, it's something.
Back to work tomorrow. Hoping to wake up at 530am and hit the gym (did I really just say 'hit the gym'? Should I audition for Jersey Shore already or what? Oh wait, all the girls on there are chubby, lazy trolls.) before I work. I think this will be the ultimate test- bringing back responsibility and incorporating new goals. Alright then.
This morning, Paul and I decided to have FKB (Fat Kid Breakfast). Paul has a gluten allergy (we're 95% sure, but homeboy won't suck it up and go to the doctor) and wanted breakfast burritos so I decided to make tortillas from scratch.
Recipe:
1 1/4 Amaranth flour
1/2 cup water
1 tsp mexican seasoning
I'm not sure what "Mexican seasoning" is so I just used taco seasoning and it seemed to work fine. I made a dough from the ingredients, very easy. Rolling the dough Into tortillas was harder than I thought it should be. Even with my counter, hands and the roller covered in flour, the dough STILL wanted to stick to everything it touched. The tortillas tasted great after I cooked them on the stovetop, but they definitely needed to be thinner because the inside still seemed doughy to me.
Later on we went to Whole Foods and I remembered all my canvas bags. I feel such a undeserved sense of accomplishment for this!
Now I'm painting in the living room while Paul watches South Park. It's kind of a shitty tree. More like the watercolor equivalent of a doodle while I zone out. Still, it's something.
Back to work tomorrow. Hoping to wake up at 530am and hit the gym (did I really just say 'hit the gym'? Should I audition for Jersey Shore already or what? Oh wait, all the girls on there are chubby, lazy trolls.) before I work. I think this will be the ultimate test- bringing back responsibility and incorporating new goals. Alright then.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
And Here We Are...
During a particularly uneventful morning last week, I decided to write down what I would like to change/accomplish in 2012. I realized that this was the first year that everything I wanted to do was realistic and doable (which only took me 27 years). I figured a public and frequently updated blog was the most efficient way to share my journey and keep myself accountable. The following are my, Abby Frances Stewart's, resolutions for the year 2012. And if you're a believer of Mayan prediction, my last year of liiiiiife.
RESOLUTIONS:
-Completely stop using plastic and paper bags.
We have so many plastic and paper bags tucked into drawers and crannies in our house. Even growing up, we never threw plastic bags away, we always found 2nd uses for them; but now, we can't seem to reuse them fast enough. Not to mention, I have bought about 5 canvas/vinyl reusable bags that I constantly forget to take to the store with me. I've started putting the reusable bags in my car and purse so that I always have one on me, and I'm hoping that this will help me break the plastic bag habit and that by the end of the 2012 we will have reused/recycled all the plastic and paper bags and be a completely disposable-bag-free house.
-Work out for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week.
I don't get addicted to many things (no really, I smoked a pack of Lucky Strike filters every day from 16 to 22 and then quit cold turkey one day because "I felt like it"), but I get really addicted to routines. When it comes to physical activity, getting addicted to a routine can be my best friend or my worst enemy. Since I'm making a resolution about working out, it should come as no surprise that it's landing on the "worst enemy" side at the moment. I had surgery back in June and leading up to it I was running, hiking or walking an average of 6 miles a day. Post surgery, I could barely walk up the stairs to our apartment for weeks and have had the hardest time getting back into a routine for the past 5 months. Once something is on my calendar, it's set in stone for me, so....yes, I'm going to start scheduling running, yoga and gym time. At least until I'm addicted to it again.
-Be more patient, calm, understanding of mistakes as a wife aka Operation Simmer the F*** Down, Abby
My patience and sense of humor with 90% of the people I interact with is limitless. Especially with kids, I find that I can "laugh off and try again" almost anything. But I feel like lately (or possibly for the last....8 years) I have absolutely no patience for the one person I should. The most recent example: Paul didn't buy me anything for Christmas. He made me something and it was really sweet, but he didn't even wrap it. And he finished making it Christmas morning when we should have been hanging out and relaxing. I'm STILL annoyed by this and on Christmas I was extremely obvious and vocal with my disappointment in a not-very-mature way. Also, if he leaves his underwear on the ground and a glass on his nightstand and all of his stubble in the sink after shaving I. LOSE. MY. SHIT. and assume that he is trying to be the worst person on the planet. Here's the thing: Paul and I have two completely different takes on tending to the needs of others. I like doing things before anyone has to tell me. I offer help, ask if there's anything else someone needs of me, ask people what they want for gifts, etc. Paul thinks if someone needs or wants anything that they need to speak up and tell him. Every time. If I want something specific for Christmas I should tell him what that is. If I want him to clean up something, I should ask him. If I'm feeling like his effort was inadequate, he would like me to not get frustrated and just tell him. He is an engineer and his brain is mostly robotic. It makes sense. People handle life differently and I REALLY need to get that through my neurotic skull for the sake of my own sanity. Anyone reading this, don't seriously worry about Paul and I. Yes, his obliviousness sometimes reduces me to a weeping pile on the kitchen or bathroom floor; but I also cry at cute peanut butter commercials and that episode of Parks and Recreation where Leslie buys Ron a steak and nice scotch and lets him watch old war movies uninterrupted for his birthday. So yeah, time to work on me not being psycho.
-Create something each day.
Pretty simple. Sketch, paint, build, sing, write etc... doesn't matter what it is. Do something, no matter how small, each day.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
When I was in high school I covered my walls with pictures and magazine pages for the sake of covering as much space as possible. Now that I'm not 15 anymore, I'm much more picky about what I choose to put up. Ironically, I did have Christmas lights up in the living room for an entire year, but those have come down now. Our bedroom is literally just a bed, 2 nightstands and a pile of books. I say "pile" because I thought I was happy with our $10 garage sale bookcase, but I wasn't so now the books are just stacked up along the wall. My lack of desire to decorate is partly because the Stewarts are on a tight budget right now and partly because I need to get my ass more motivated to go out and find cool stuff. Courtney, make me go to the flea market on Sunday. Is that the right "flea" to use? Or is it "flee"? I've stared at them so long that neither of them even look like real words anymore.
-Dance in a Flash Mob.I'm for cereal here. I have a Flash Mob fantasy. Actually, my fantasy is to choreograph a Flash Mob to a very specific song and do it with all my friends. Marisa? Choreograph? If I have to do it, it's going to be a lot of Roger Rabbit-ing.
GOALS
-Lose 10 vanity pounds.
I know this is the most cliche New Year's statement. Maybe that means it will be easier, maybe that means it won't happen - time will tell. I'm not at an unhealthy weight. I'm 5'9" and I wear a size 8. Most shirts are mediums. Bra is a 34C. Aaaaand that's all you get right now. Honestly, if I were the size and weight that I am right now, but didn't have lovehandles - I wouldn't even care. Hence, the term "vanity pounds". Also, shorts terrify me. This is 100% for my own peace of mind and narcissism. Judge away, just being honest.
-Run a half marathon.
Pretty self-explanatory. Want to sign up for the SD Half Marathon, but not sure if the whole fam can pay the $150 each to run it, so might just run it unregistered, might have to wait til a later date to find one. It's a goal and basically want to do it just to say I did.
-Maintain at least a 3.5 for Spring '12 semester.
I'm taking 14 units next semester (4 classes). All of fall semester I had a 4.0 but then I got an 83% on a final that was worth 40% of my grade and it took my whole grade down to an 88%. If I had just done all the homework I would have been able to still get an A with just barely a 90%. Yes, I'm kicking myself in my 10-pounds-too-big ass right now. My goal for Spring is to at least get 2 A's and 2 B's. I've looked over the classes and it's completely doable IF I commit to doing everything. For me, it's not usually a matter of how well I do, it's a matter of doing it at all. Really important at this point so I can be done with school by 30 and close this chapter once and for all. I'm sure Paul would like me to eventually get a career and contribute to the household income too.
-Be more of myself/do things I like.
Possibly selfish. Not about to start complaining about life and responsibilities and time. I'm really lucky and I know it. I just need to set aside more time/money to do all the little things that I used to that made me happy and awesome. So without delving into too many details, that's a goal.
-Get pregnant.
Yeah, you're reading this right. I want to lose weight and have more time for myself and take on a full load at school and.... have a baby? Pretty much an oxymoron, I know. Possibly the most important goal for me, but the one that is the least in my control too, so it's technically more like a wish. Not ready to share the details of the journey with the whole internet (or the 4 of you who will actually read this), but it's something that's been on our minds and I'm ready. It wouldn't be my life if things weren't completely chaotic and idiosyncratic!
And there you have it. My tentative plan for a good life in 2012. I haven't decided how often I'll update this for accountability, but I'm hoping for several times a week. Happy New Year to all of you. 2012 will be our year.
We have so many plastic and paper bags tucked into drawers and crannies in our house. Even growing up, we never threw plastic bags away, we always found 2nd uses for them; but now, we can't seem to reuse them fast enough. Not to mention, I have bought about 5 canvas/vinyl reusable bags that I constantly forget to take to the store with me. I've started putting the reusable bags in my car and purse so that I always have one on me, and I'm hoping that this will help me break the plastic bag habit and that by the end of the 2012 we will have reused/recycled all the plastic and paper bags and be a completely disposable-bag-free house.
-Work out for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week.
I don't get addicted to many things (no really, I smoked a pack of Lucky Strike filters every day from 16 to 22 and then quit cold turkey one day because "I felt like it"), but I get really addicted to routines. When it comes to physical activity, getting addicted to a routine can be my best friend or my worst enemy. Since I'm making a resolution about working out, it should come as no surprise that it's landing on the "worst enemy" side at the moment. I had surgery back in June and leading up to it I was running, hiking or walking an average of 6 miles a day. Post surgery, I could barely walk up the stairs to our apartment for weeks and have had the hardest time getting back into a routine for the past 5 months. Once something is on my calendar, it's set in stone for me, so....yes, I'm going to start scheduling running, yoga and gym time. At least until I'm addicted to it again.
-Be more patient, calm, understanding of mistakes as a wife aka Operation Simmer the F*** Down, Abby
My patience and sense of humor with 90% of the people I interact with is limitless. Especially with kids, I find that I can "laugh off and try again" almost anything. But I feel like lately (or possibly for the last....8 years) I have absolutely no patience for the one person I should. The most recent example: Paul didn't buy me anything for Christmas. He made me something and it was really sweet, but he didn't even wrap it. And he finished making it Christmas morning when we should have been hanging out and relaxing. I'm STILL annoyed by this and on Christmas I was extremely obvious and vocal with my disappointment in a not-very-mature way. Also, if he leaves his underwear on the ground and a glass on his nightstand and all of his stubble in the sink after shaving I. LOSE. MY. SHIT. and assume that he is trying to be the worst person on the planet. Here's the thing: Paul and I have two completely different takes on tending to the needs of others. I like doing things before anyone has to tell me. I offer help, ask if there's anything else someone needs of me, ask people what they want for gifts, etc. Paul thinks if someone needs or wants anything that they need to speak up and tell him. Every time. If I want something specific for Christmas I should tell him what that is. If I want him to clean up something, I should ask him. If I'm feeling like his effort was inadequate, he would like me to not get frustrated and just tell him. He is an engineer and his brain is mostly robotic. It makes sense. People handle life differently and I REALLY need to get that through my neurotic skull for the sake of my own sanity. Anyone reading this, don't seriously worry about Paul and I. Yes, his obliviousness sometimes reduces me to a weeping pile on the kitchen or bathroom floor; but I also cry at cute peanut butter commercials and that episode of Parks and Recreation where Leslie buys Ron a steak and nice scotch and lets him watch old war movies uninterrupted for his birthday. So yeah, time to work on me not being psycho.
-Create something each day.
Pretty simple. Sketch, paint, build, sing, write etc... doesn't matter what it is. Do something, no matter how small, each day.
-Figure out the design for our room and living room.
When I was in high school I covered my walls with pictures and magazine pages for the sake of covering as much space as possible. Now that I'm not 15 anymore, I'm much more picky about what I choose to put up. Ironically, I did have Christmas lights up in the living room for an entire year, but those have come down now. Our bedroom is literally just a bed, 2 nightstands and a pile of books. I say "pile" because I thought I was happy with our $10 garage sale bookcase, but I wasn't so now the books are just stacked up along the wall. My lack of desire to decorate is partly because the Stewarts are on a tight budget right now and partly because I need to get my ass more motivated to go out and find cool stuff. Courtney, make me go to the flea market on Sunday. Is that the right "flea" to use? Or is it "flee"? I've stared at them so long that neither of them even look like real words anymore.
-Dance in a Flash Mob.I'm for cereal here. I have a Flash Mob fantasy. Actually, my fantasy is to choreograph a Flash Mob to a very specific song and do it with all my friends. Marisa? Choreograph? If I have to do it, it's going to be a lot of Roger Rabbit-ing.
GOALS
-Lose 10 vanity pounds.
I know this is the most cliche New Year's statement. Maybe that means it will be easier, maybe that means it won't happen - time will tell. I'm not at an unhealthy weight. I'm 5'9" and I wear a size 8. Most shirts are mediums. Bra is a 34C. Aaaaand that's all you get right now. Honestly, if I were the size and weight that I am right now, but didn't have lovehandles - I wouldn't even care. Hence, the term "vanity pounds". Also, shorts terrify me. This is 100% for my own peace of mind and narcissism. Judge away, just being honest.
-Run a half marathon.
Pretty self-explanatory. Want to sign up for the SD Half Marathon, but not sure if the whole fam can pay the $150 each to run it, so might just run it unregistered, might have to wait til a later date to find one. It's a goal and basically want to do it just to say I did.
-Maintain at least a 3.5 for Spring '12 semester.
I'm taking 14 units next semester (4 classes). All of fall semester I had a 4.0 but then I got an 83% on a final that was worth 40% of my grade and it took my whole grade down to an 88%. If I had just done all the homework I would have been able to still get an A with just barely a 90%. Yes, I'm kicking myself in my 10-pounds-too-big ass right now. My goal for Spring is to at least get 2 A's and 2 B's. I've looked over the classes and it's completely doable IF I commit to doing everything. For me, it's not usually a matter of how well I do, it's a matter of doing it at all. Really important at this point so I can be done with school by 30 and close this chapter once and for all. I'm sure Paul would like me to eventually get a career and contribute to the household income too.
-Be more of myself/do things I like.
Possibly selfish. Not about to start complaining about life and responsibilities and time. I'm really lucky and I know it. I just need to set aside more time/money to do all the little things that I used to that made me happy and awesome. So without delving into too many details, that's a goal.
-Get pregnant.
Yeah, you're reading this right. I want to lose weight and have more time for myself and take on a full load at school and.... have a baby? Pretty much an oxymoron, I know. Possibly the most important goal for me, but the one that is the least in my control too, so it's technically more like a wish. Not ready to share the details of the journey with the whole internet (or the 4 of you who will actually read this), but it's something that's been on our minds and I'm ready. It wouldn't be my life if things weren't completely chaotic and idiosyncratic!
And there you have it. My tentative plan for a good life in 2012. I haven't decided how often I'll update this for accountability, but I'm hoping for several times a week. Happy New Year to all of you. 2012 will be our year.
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